Accelerate your personal growth by asking WHY — not HOW

It’s important to think critically about your development, because most how-to articles aren’t tailored to your specific needs.

I bet you’ve Googled:

“How to be successful.”

“How to wake up early.”

”How to have a hard conversation.”

“How to do chaturanga.”

It’s smart — if it worked for someone else, you should at least try it. You’d save time from trial-and-error, your brain wouldn’t be drained from the thought process of laying out a plan, and you don’t have to wonder if it will work because it obviously worked for at least one person!

But.

Those benefits only remain if that person completely knows your hang-ups, personality type, trauma, and tendencies and their tips work for you completely.

More likely, you are in a cycle of researching the same tactics over and over again and not finding what really works for you.

If so, it’s time to put the power back in your hands.

When my frustration with how-to articles started

I recently stumbled upon the hunch that I have ADHD (this was 3 weeks ago). To manage the daily fidgeting and mind wandering, experts suggest getting enough dopamine and to focus on calming the nervous system (I learned this 2 weeks ago). I sincerely wanted to manage my symptoms, so I quickly incorporated breathing, healthy food, cut alcohol, and have now had a solid morning routine that makes me feel more peaceful — for 1 whole week straight now.

After eleven years of trying tactics (likely intended for non-ADHD folks) that didn’t stick, I am amazed at how fast this stuck and how well my body has adapted.

The problem is: every article I read laid out a timeline for me: Wake up at 5 AM (#5amclub),…

eat a protein-heavy breakfast, then just crush the day! Easy peasy! But some people (even those without ADHD) don’t do well with this rigid structure. Yet, those were the only people whose information would show up in my Google search.

Nowhere did any article encourage me to understand what I needed to get from my morning routine; they just told me what to do.

For a competent high-preforming adult, it baffled me why I couldn’t just ignore my snooze button. I felt shame, and every morning would start with me waking up late with “Ugh, I didn’t get up early AGAIN.”

Now I now it’s because I never asked WHY a good morning routine is needed, WHY I was struggling with energy during my day, and WHY I could never stick to a structure.

I was essentially banging my head against a “How to” wall.

Most people search Google for HOW not WHY

I am not alone. Look at how many people search HOW versus WHY.

This means more people are looking for a magic recipe than for fully understanding how to leverage what they already have.

Asking HOW is like copying someone else’s work

What is a how-to list, other than someone else telling you what to do in a bulleted format? Think about what happens after you Google HOW and click on the top link: You probably try to force yourself to follow every step.

You diligently follow the how-to list, but it doesn’t work and you don’t understand why.

This cycle will continue until you ask WHY it isn’t working for you.

In the case of something objective (how to thread a needle, how to use the speed wash cycle of your washing machine, etc.), a bulleted list is appropriate. But when it comes to subjective matters that affect your life, keep the power within you.

Your mission then is to find what works FOR YOU, not just what works.

Using the example of “how to be successful,” you must have the caveat in your mind that these authors’ idea of “success” is different than yours. Sure, there’s a standard dictionary definition, but what it looks like varies by each person. So, you’ll read “How to get promoted in 1 year” from someone who isn’t familiar with your job, strengths, manager, etc.? You will get such a deeper answer if you ask, “Why is success important to me?”

Other people’s HOW is inspiring. But don’t steal their answer sheet to life. Understanding the WHY will get you so much farther.

Asking WHY puts you in the driver’s seat

Most of the time, we ask the HOW to do something before we explore WHY we want to know it, or WHY the topic is even on our minds. By the time we get to the HOW,

we are searching the internet for other people’s answers, our intuition gets duller by the moment.

Saying that I spent ELEVEN YEARS looking to other people for the answers to my morning routine feels ridiculous right now. But I was being a good box-checker, trying to aim for something better, and not taking responsibility for understanding WHY something wasn’t working. If people saw me at least trying, then I was okay living in this never-ending cycle.

When the first article didn’t work, I went on to the next one.

Not ONE article came with the disclaimer of “This worked for me, you have to forge your own path.”

Here’s an example of the line of questioning that helped me immediately dig deeper into my root issues:

Start small today

What is 1 thing that never seems to work out no matter how many times you try or how hard you try?

You need to figure out why it isn’t working immediately, then keep focusing on only that until you find a solution that works for you.

That solution might even be “Actually, what I’m doing isn’t bad!” On a path of personal growth, it’s easy to think everything needs to be fixed instead of giving ourselves credit when something is working just fine.

Or — using the example of waking up early — you might not need to wake up early! If you accept that evening routines are better suit for your circadian rhythm, you can free yourself up from chasing other dead ends.

So:

1. Define what you want to achieve.

2. What is the desired end feeling?

3. What has worked before? Keep it or accelerate it.

4. What hasn’t worked before? Fix it or forget it.

It takes more time to answer these questions, but you’ll ultimately have a plan that specifically addresses who you are wand what you need!