Pleasure & Transformation: They Should Always Go Together for Maximum Growth

In August 2021, when someone asked me “How are you?” I wished I had the guts to say “It’s complicated.”

Every day was both the worst day and the best day ever.

One, because I am a recovering dualist. Two, because each lesson required shedding of skin. Sometimes, the feeling of the shedding was so physical, it was tactilely uncomfortable. On a walk one day, I twitched and stretched to the scratchiness of my 100% cotton 6-year old t-shirt. At night, the releasing and renewing of energies was so fluent through my Self, I’d be still, but the nerves underneath would cackle beneath the surface begging for slow, warm, sturdy skin-to-skin contact. Walking into the corporate work building, with dressed-up people I see the same way at the same time every day and bright lights and chairs we all sit in for longer than we can physically take — — every moment was a sensory circus.

My days didn’t change: I didn’t move houses or uproot my life in any way. But internally, I was coming up on 8 months of my new years resolution called “Pleasure & Transformation,” and it was hitting a beautiful, treacherous climax.

At first, the decisions seemed small. Like, getting comfortable saying “pleasure” in my head as a factor in decision-making; previously, logistics and others’ needs seemed to be the initial phase gate decision markers. Not my pleasure! Whatever that means. By March, I practiced in an Authentic Relating game just telling my friends tearfully that the next time we hang out, to please go somewhere with a salad because pizza doesn’t make me feel good or sustainably happy. The strangers on the other side of the screen of me during the game looked back with attention, acceptance, and an energy that said “If that’s what will make you feel good, it’s transformative to offer your preference.” My 33rd birthday in July was highlighted by one of my closest friends marveling at how my voice sounds clearer, stronger, and happier — even amidst all the inner turmoil and tears and challenges, she saw where I didn’t back down anymore. At my next Authentic Relating event in August, a woman in my group observed “You seem like you have always given a lot of love, but only most recently to yourself.” In September, I bravely approached my corporate boss that I was overwhelmed at work and had a productive, present, honest conversation about it. In October, alcohol no longer had a place in my life. By November, I was having intentional conversations with my father about decades-old wounds that I’d been festering solo.

Looking back, those are the milestones whose moments felt through my bones YOU’RE ON THE RIGHT PATH. The moments not typed here were filled with indecision, avoidance, compulsive acceptance… just as much as they were filled with steadfast positivity, intentional connection, and co-regulation.
Keeping “Pleasure & Transformation” on the forefront of my mind was a practice in seeing the beauty in the hard things.

Introducing transformation to pleasure rewired the brain to see the bigger picture of transformative events. Pleasure began to feel like it belonged at the table; proof accumulated to change a core belief that big things always had to feel hard.

With my breathing more in control, my nervous system began to relax and feel psychologically safe in my environment. My self-love deepened and dependency on others affirmations declined.

What was happening behind the scenes of my general anxiety was a body that was obsessed with protecting me from anything “bad.” Un-damning my environment — that is, allowing neutrality to exist — simplified the path to pleasure. This is the most important distinction for anyone else who feels stuck in the fawn response: You have the power to change the narrative. Build the life of growth you truly desire.

Yes, it was hard to call my dad to say “I haven’t been clear about some things I am holding on to in the past. Can we talk about it?”. But it also felt good to say it. And then it felt better to have it off my chest. And it felt even better to not have that energy leak in my life.

Where there’s beauty, there’s no running, only sinking deeper.

When the New York ball dropped on this resolution on New Years Eve, I looked back at these milestones and smiled at the acceleration my self-love had. Then I went into the living room with amazing friends and unabashedly welcomed the feelings of pleasure at feeling so loved.